Snuggles

If I had to think of something that I enjoy more than holding a sleepy baby, I'm not sure I could come up with anything. Something about the weight of a contented baby in your arms, with a sweet little cheek snuggled up to your chest, and hearing sleepy baby sighs just makes everything in the world seem better.

When Elijah was a few weeks old, I started to try to get him used to going to sleep at around the same time each night, which originally was around 9, right after he ate for the last time. I'd put him in his jammies, swaddle him, give him his paci, turn on Jewel's "Lullaby" CD, turn out the lights, and we'd rock. At first we'd rock and rock and rock, sometimes for an hour or two, before he'd finally nod off. I'd catch myself nearly dozing off and would jerk my head up, certain that I'd dropped him or something equally catastrophic, to find his sweet face staring up at me, eyes wide open, pacifier moving up and down (much like Maggie Simpson's), with no sign that he would fall asleep any time soon. Sometimes I'd be so exhausted that Jack would have to take over. Eventually, though, he caught on and got used to sleeping at night and started taking less and less time to fall asleep. I would hold him and rock him even after he slept, just listening to his breathing, watching his facial expressions change in his sleep, smelling his sweet baby smell, kissing his perfect little forehead, until finally I would lay him down in his crib and watch him snuggle up to his lovey (or, as Jack insists on calling it, his "blanky bear").

Then, of course, I read all the books about sleep that say not to rock your baby to sleep, that they need to fall asleep where they will wake up so that when they cycle into lighter sleep states and briefly awaken, they won't freak out but will instead drift peacefully back to sleep (assuming they're not uncomfortable from teething, don't have a dirty diaper, are not hungry, and are not working on crawling, pulling up, etc.). I was not very happy when I read that. Who were these "sleep experts" to tell me that I can't rock my baby?!

So I did what any overly analytical, stubborn redhead would do. I obeyed the letter of the law. I didn't rock him to sleep. I started rocking him until he was just barely still awake and then would lay him down in his crib so he could fall asleep in his crib. Since he was falling asleep much more quickly, this often meant that I was only rocking him for about 5 minutes, but still, it was better than nothing. I got to rock my baby and help him learn to fall asleep in his crib. And so far, it's worked.

I can't honestly say that I miss our hours-long marathon rocking sessions, especially since those occurred when he was still waking up every 2-3 hours to eat at night, but I do wish some nights that he would take a bit longer to get drowsy. He knows the routine now and doesn't fight sleep. We say prayers and read a story, then turn off the light and turn on the music and rock. Some nights he'll look around until he's sleepy, then he'll sigh and tuck his head against my chest and close his eyes. After that, we'll rock for another minute or two then he'll lay down. My baby won't be a baby forever and the time will come that he won't want to rock. I'm not going to rush that. Rocking my son at bedtime is my favorite time of day because it's when he wants to be close to his mommy. He'll gaze up at me and smile around his paci, sometimes pat my face or touch my hair, look at the shadows on the walls, then snuggle up against me. Seeing how much my son trusts me, how secure he feels when I rock him, makes me feel like maybe I'm not totally screwing up this whole "mom" thing. Plus, as he's gotten more interested in exploring and getting into everything he can, he's less interested in being held during the day. So, I'll rock my son for as long as he'll let me, and treasure up our snuggly times, because I know that all too soon, he'll be too cool to hug me in front of his friends and too grown to need mama snuggles. For now, he wants his mommy at night, and I'm perfectly okay with that.