Winding Down

My husband and I were blessed with the wonderful gift of our son in April, and when we found out last July that I was pregnant, it was after we'd been married 5-1/2 years and about 2 years after we'd more or less lost hope that we'd ever have a child together. Until I was holding my newborn son, the thought of being a stay-at-home mom had never crossed my mind. I had nothing against the idea of women staying home; I just never thought it would be something I'd choose. After all, I'd worked all through college to put myself through school, and then put myself through graduate school as well. I'd worked hard to be in the position I was in, I liked my job, I was working in the place I wanted to work, I liked my co-workers, and I liked earning my own money and contributing financially to our household. But returning to work at the end of June was the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't too bad for the summer, as my mother was coming up and taking care of him at our house, but after he started day care in September, and was competing with 7 other babies for the attention of two teachers, I couldn't handle it any more. I couldn't stop thinking, "There are only two teachers - what happens when he's the third loudest? What if they miss his cues that he's hungry or tired? What if he starts thinking of one of them as his mommy?" I couldn't handle only seeing him for about half an hour in the mornings, a half hour at lunch, and then maybe an hour or two in the evenings. What happens at potty training? I don't want someone else to potty train my son. I don't want someone else to see his firsts! Bedtime on Sunday nights became the saddest part of the week for me.

So I started thinking... what if I stayed home? Could I do it? Can we afford it?

I mentioned it to my husband and he was very supportive of the idea. We both thought it would be best for our son to be home, so we took a very close look at our finances. We realized that if we paid off some things earlier than planned, I could quit my job at the end of December. I was thrilled! I couldn't wait!!!

And now the end of December is here, and I must admit, it's actually more bittersweet at the moment than thrilling. Elijah is at his last day of day care, a place he has fun and is loved and has other kids to play with. I like his teachers. They have helped him learn to fall asleep for naps on his own. They have cheered him as he's learned to crawl. They know his cues and his personality. They have taken very good care of him. So of course now I worry that he will miss his teachers, his friends, and will be bored at home. His teachers have been telling me all week how much they will miss him, but they are supportive of my decision to stay home and tell me how much he will love being home with his mommy.

My co-workers also surprised me with a goodbye party this morning, in lieu of our regular Friday morning staff meeting. I received a very nice card with very thoughtful notes (rather than the generic "Happy birthday!" messages you tend to receive for birthdays) and there was LOTS of food. Given that the institution doesn't allow institutional money to be spent on food any more, I know that they paid out of pocket, and that touches my heart. My boss gave me a heartfelt goodbye and thank you at our one-on-one yesterday, and my co-workers have been telling me for two weeks that I still have time to change my mind.

I won't, of course. I want to give my all to my son and spend as much time with him as I can in the few, precious years we will have until he starts school. My husband and I worked hard and planned hard to make things happen for me to stay home, and I feel very blessed that I was able to make that choice. But I will miss my co-workers, I will miss the work I do, I will miss having a reason to take a shower and get dressed and look presentable every day. I will miss having a reason to get out of the house and interact with other people. I will miss having my own space that is quiet, where I can be alone with my thoughts. In a house of 4 adults, 2 babies, 3 dogs, and 2 cats, my own quiet space is quite difficult to come by.

I don't regret my decision to stay home, by any means. But, it is still a big change for me, and I am aware of what I am giving up in order to have something I think is better. I am ready for what lies ahead, but for now, I think it is appropriate to acknowledge that my son had the opportunity to attend a good day care with attentive teachers and that I was fortunate to work in a place I liked with people I liked doing work I felt was meaningful. All blessings, even those coming to an end, should be counted. So, today, on this day of winding down, I am thankful.