I have three sisters and two nieces (by blood). I wasn't raised around boys, although I had several guy friends while growing up. My stepson was 13 when my husband and I got married, so given his age, the fact that I was the stepmom and not the mom, and that he was only with us on the weekends until he was 16 (when my husband got custody of his kids), I wasn't exactly an active participant in raising him. So, life hasn't exactly prepared me to be the mom of a boy.
When I first got pregnant, I was positive that I was having a girl. I referred to the baby as "she", Jack and I bought a pink PJ set as one of our first baby purchases, and I point-blank refused to acknowledge the possibility that I could be carrying a boy.
About a month before our anatomy scan, though, I started feeling like "maybe" I "might" be having a boy. As the time for our anatomy scan drew nearer, I became positive I was having a boy. My inner monologue started referring to the baby as "he". I told my mom to buy gender-neutral things because I was no longer certain I was having a girl.
And, on November 4, 2011, at our anatomy scan, when I was not quite 18 weeks pregnant, the ultrasound technician confirmed that, indeed, I was carrying Elijah and not Grace.
My mother was stunned. She thought that there surely must be some mistake. "Are they sure? I mean, really SURE that it's a boy?? That can't be right! I don't know anything about boys!" I assured her that I was there and saw exactly what the tech saw, and yes, he was indeed a boy, and I didn't know anything about boys, either, but since I was his mom, this was a bit more problematic for me than it was for her.
I was slightly disappointed for a week or two (maybe less; I really don't remember) but then I got excited and just fell in love with my Elijah. Now, I can't imagine having had a girl. I love my baby boy SO MUCH more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being. He is so much fun, and so sweet, and so laidback, and just so all around perfect that I can't picture my life any other way.
However, I have always been prone to pre-emptive worrying, and ever since I saw that anatomy scan (and all the subsequent ones that confirmed that the original "diagnosis" of boy was correct), I have already been dreading the teenage years. You know, because boys are weird and they do strange things that make no sense to people who don't have a Y chromosome. Not to mention..... puberty. And hormones. And girls. And temptation. And who knows what technology will be around in another decade or so that will make all that temptation easily accessible. Not that technology is needed (as all the previous generations of men can attest), but it certainly makes it easier. Cell phones with cameras and texting capabilities are bad enough. The internet is even worse. And girls are just so... aggressive, it seems. I'm already burying my head in the sand.
But I know I can't do that. I have a responsibility to my son to raise him to be the kind of man that some future girl's parents won't dread meeting. I am fortunate that I am married to a wonderful man and that, barring unforeseen circumstances, I won't have to raise my son alone. But still - I can't leave the raising of our son solely to my husband, either. Nor do I want to.
But I'm dreading it. It will be hard. It might possibly be embarrassing for someone as prudish as I am. I want my son to feel comfortable talking to me, I want him to be able to ask me questions and I want to be able to answer them without blushing or without making things a bigger deal than they need to be. But I get embarrassed so easily, so that will be hard enough. But it also seems to me that our culture has such a warped view of masculinity (and femininity, too, for that matter) that stereotypically masculine traits are either idolized, or else scorned to the point that even healthy manifestations of masculinity are met with derision. In that kind of environment, how can a boy be raised to have a healthy image of who HE is, as a boy becoming a man? I don't want him to be ashamed of being male. I also don't want him to be overly proud of being male. I want him to be confident but not arrogant, strong but not dominating, masculine but soft-hearted. A "tender warrior," as I've heard it described. I want him to know how to change the oil in his car and how to fix a toilet, but also how to cook dinner and how to change a diaper. I want him to love deeply and faithfully, to have a strong work ethic, and a desire to provide. I want him to be playful and to have fun but also to have a sharp mind. I don't want him to be lazy, boastful, rude, lustful, prideful, or incompetent.
How do you do that? I know that children learn a lot by observing their world, and my son is fortunate to have an excellent role model as his daddy. His big brother Sean is also a man I am proud to know. But what can mothers do to encourage healthy masculinity in their sons? I feel like I can't wait until his "tween" years to start thinking about this. I feel like I need to figure this out now so I can start doing what needs to be done even now, because children learn so much more so much earlier than we think.
So... moms of boys... advice? What are you and your husband (or child's father) doing to ensure your son grows to have a healthy view of himself? Of women?
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